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Tormented
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Tormented

BTVS Slash

Pairing X/S

Rating: Darkish

Summary: PMS induced rant.  This snippet is sort of a sequal to Taunt-the-Human.  Spike and Xander work out issues.

                                                               

 

"Hello pet." 

That deep, velvet voice hit me first, it curled around my heart, crushing it, stopping it momentarily.  I took several deep breaths, trying to ignore the now familiar scents of tobacco smoke and whiskey emanating off him.  It took me a moment to school my face into a look of nonchalance, the same look I knew I would see on his face, as if nothing had happened, as if nothing was wrong.  Slowly I turned. 

"Hello Spike." 

"What's a sweet thing like you doing in a place like this?" 

He was playing the game, exactly as we had scripted it.  Fine, I could play too; I had started it after all. 

"Shopping.  You know, me, living, need food." 

I glanced at the basket he was holding, "What in earth could you possibly be shopping for?  Not health food obviously.  Hair bleach?  Cigarettes?  Is it time for the monthly bleaching already?"

The vampire rolled his eyes, "S'not like you can talk, how many frozen dinners can one man eat?" 

I smirked at the disparaging attitude.  The normal banter was easy to follow, a comfortable rut, "I'm sure they're a damn site better than pigs blood.  Mmm-hmm, give me a frozen potpie any day."

Unable to get a rise out of me, Spike scowled and stalked off, the long line of his black duster swirling in his wake. 

I made sure he was truly gone before collapsing shakily onto the floor, laying my forehead on my drawn-up knees and allowing myself a moment to regroup.  For once I was glad that the Scooby meeting and patroling had taken so long tonight, at one in the morning in the deserted grocery store there was no one to see my moment of weakness. 

"Get a grip on yourself, Harris." 

My voice was soft in the still aisles, shaking slightly.  I hated the weakness that had come over me, the almost unbearable need, but they were just two more items on the long list of things I hated about my life, and I managed to pull myself together, shove the emotions down with everything else.  Soon, too soon I knew something would break, no one could repress as much as I had in my life and not go insane, but for now I could go on as if nothing was wrong.  I'd had lots of practice after all. 

I made my purchases and headed out into the cool night, gratefully breathing in the crisp autumn air.  Seeing Spike again had shaken me.  I couldn't decide whether to be overjoyed or terrified.  I was leaning towards overjoyed, but I couldnt trust it, I didn't know his motives, actually I'd never known his motives, and that didn't use to bother me.  Things had changed though, and now I was just tired, overwhelmingly tired of all the games, all the lies, all the crap. 

"Let's face it Harris, you're life's so far in the gutter you can't even recognize it anymore." 

I knew I was talking to myself but I didn't care, hell, if anyone was out at this time of night, they were probably crazier than I was, or they were evil and would try to kill me.  That was usually the way my life went, insane or evil.  The problem was that if whomever I happened across happened to be of the evil variety, I wasn't sure I wouldn't just give in and let them kill me.  Death by monster was the most likely way to die in Sunnyhell and I wasn't sure I had it in me to fight anymore. 

Unnoticed I had managed to brood all the way home, and I let myself into my dark basement apartment reluctantly.  I put the groceries away, steadfastidly ignoring the bed in the corner.  I didn't even sleep on it anymore; the rumpled sheets hadnt been changed in months.  I couldn't bear it; there were just too many memories.  I usually slept in the armchair, or on the really bad nights, I slept wherever I had passed out.  I'd been drinking way too much lately. 

I heated up a frozen dinner more out of reflex than hunger and collapsed into the chair and flicked on the T.V. while I ate.  Soon, too soon the food was gone and the T.V. failed to keep my mind of what had happened tonight. 

I buried my face in my hand, moaning softly as images of him assaulted me.  Two months, it had been two months since he disappeared, two months since we had last,

"Oh Gods!" 

My voice echoed hollowly around the room as I launched myself out of the chair and began to pace. 

"Maybe I can leave, I've got some money saved up, I can get out of town, start over somewhere new." 

But even as I said it I knew I wouldn't leave.  How could I give up the only happy memories I had?  Frustrated beyond bearing, I stalked into the bathroom and roughly stripped, jumping into a shower that was just a touch too hot.  I needed the pain to focus, to try to wipe the pain from my mind for at least a little while.  Eyes closed, forehead pressed against the cool tiles, I let myself see Spike as he had stood before me in the store tonight.  Had he looked paler, thinner?  Were there dark circles under his eyes?  There had been, and I hoped briefly that he had been at least half as tormented as I had been these past months. 

Unbidden, images of our last night together flashed into my mind.  Spike above me, pale and perfect.  His hard length filling me, touching places that even now still felt empty and hollow, aching for that cool touch.  Our bodies thrusting together, his harsh voice panting and whispering soft words of endearment.  I remembered the way his skin felt under my hands, cool silk, and the tiny rivulets of blood that trickled down his back and chest as my nails carved into him.  My hand traveled down my wet chest, teasing, the way his hands used to, and warm fingers encircled my cock, hard and throbbing.  I pumped quick and rough, keeping my forehead pressed hard into the cool tile, chanting his name like a mantra.  It was the first pleasure I had allowed myself in weeks, and I came fast and brutal, Spike's name ripped from my throat with a sob.  Exhausted, I climbed slowly out of the shower and into some sweats, making my way back into the dark, dank room and curling up in the chair.  Fitfully I slept.

I dreamed of Spike, of course.  He was all I ever dreamt about anymore.  I dreamt of the night it had all started.  Anya had left me, my nearly nonexistent self-esteem at an all-time low.  Spikes words had hurt, and I had felt them for the truth they were.  Angry and hurting, my sick brain had somehow concocted the game.  I'd tied him to the bed and tortured him, cutting myself, letting him see the blood he craved but not able to taste it, to touch it.  I made him cum without touching him, something I was still proud of.  I hadn't intended anything else to happen, I'd intended it simply to prove my point, no matter what anyone thought of me I was still worth something, after all, look at what I had done.  Then a few weeks later Spike had retaliated.  That night had left me shaken to my core, and wanting more, so much more.  We'd gone on like that for a couple of months, every other week or so one of us would find a way to catch the other unawares, tie them up and torture them.  We kept to the formula, kidnap, tie up, sexual torture.  Touching was kept to the barest minimum.  We never even kissed.  During the in-between times we acted like nothing was going on, though I think the normal verbal sparing had lost some of its heat. 

Then that night happened.  Giles had a houseguest and needed me to keep Spike for the weekend.  By unspoken agreement we hadn't gone straight back to my apartment, we went to a bar and gotten very drunk.  We had stumbled back to the basement, then ended up standing staring awkwardly at each other until Spike had mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Fuck it!" and kissed me.  That kiss shook me to my very soul.  I still grow hard thinking about it.  We spent the weekend in bed and I'd never, not with Anya, not with anyone, experienced anything so perfect as the way his skin felt against mine, the way our bodies fit together.

In my dream I wanted to scream out, tell everything to stop, not to go on, but it did, it always did.  I was lying cradled in Spikes arms, we had been watching T.V., taking a break from sex, and I finally got the courage to ask for what I wanted.  I rolled over, nose to nose with the blond Vampire, captured his mouth with mine for a hard kiss, and asked,

"Would you fuck me?" 

Spikes eyes widened in surprise, "Are you sure pet?" 

I arched slightly, rubbing my erection against his stomach, "Very sure." 

He still seemed hesitant, so I reached into the table next to the bed and pulled out a tube of lube, pressing it into his hand, "Please?" 

Smiling softly he kissed me, soft cool lips sliding over mine, tongue exploring my mouth.  His lips released mine with a small gasp and he began kissing down my neck, lingering over my pulse point, tracing the contours of my neck with his talented tongue.  Slowly, so slowly he made his way down my chest, taking each nipple into his mouth in turn.  I had never appreciated my nipples before Spike, and now they were fast becoming my favorite spot.  He moved down my stomach and took my aching cock into his cool, wet mouth.  I gasped and arched up into the coolness and he let me thrust a few times before he released me, ignoring my cry of protest.  Then he pushed my legs up and out of the way, and proceeded to prepare me with tongue and fingers.  I was squirming and whimpering before hed even gotten two fingers into me, the sensations unlike anything I'd ever experienced before.  When he finally did enter me I thought I would die, because nothing could feel so perfect.  He apparently thought so too, his voice swirling around me in my dream,

"Oh gods, luv.  So beautiful, so perfect." 

Then he was thrusting into me, and there was sweat and blood and the orgasm slamming into me more overwhelming than anything had ever been, and Spike howled out my name and we collapsed on each other in a limp heap, and words of love and devotion poured from our lips and I fell asleep believing that I had finally found something good, something that would last.

I awoke with a gasp and a cry, sobs torn from my throat, because I awoke now like I did that next morning, alone, with no clue of where he had gone and why.  

Two days after the grocery store incident and he hadn't shown his face again.  I began to think of the night in the grocery store as a stress and depression induced hallucination.  I was at a Scooby meeting, more social than anything else.  We had stopped a small demon invasion the night before and were all taking some much needed time off.  Buffy was enthusiastically describing her last date with Riley, and Willow and Tara were cuddled on the couch discussing their classes.  I made the odd Xander-esque comment, responding to whatever it was that was being said, when I realized something.  None of them were even speaking directly to me.  They were all happily going about their lives, not noticing me at all.  It suddenly hit me, they didn't need me.  They didn't need me, Spike didn't need me, and Anya hadn't needed me.  So why was I here? 

Silently I got up and left.  No one noticed. 

I walked down the dark streets, tears pouring down my face.  Fists clenched, cutting little half moons into my palms as I tried to keep the worst of the sobs inside, I blundered into the basement, practically falling down the stairs before I collapsed into a heap into the middle of the floor, sobbing out all the hurt, all the emotions I had been shoving down inside for so long.  I cried as if I'd never stop.  I was so far gone in my grief I didn't notice at first the feeling of strong arms encircling me, and cool hands stroking my hair out of my face.  But the deep voice murmuring comforts and the scent of tobacco and leather finally brought me out of my grief and I glanced up startled into the concerned face of Spike. 

"What is it luv, what's wrong?" 

I stared at him in shock, unsure if any of this was real, distantly I heard what sounded like sharp, half-crazed laughter, and belatedly I realized it was coming from me. 

"What's wrong?  What's wrong!"  

I pushed away from the Vampire and stood up staring in disbelief. 

"How can you even ask me that?  What's wrong?  You left, thats what's wrong!  You left, just like everyone else did." 

I ran my hands roughly through my hair and threw them up in the air in exasperation. 

"You see, you were right all those months ago Spike.  I'm not worth playing with; I'm not worth being around.  When you left, after that weekend, when you just disappeared, I realized that you were right.  And tonight, I realized that my friends don't need me anymore either.  So what's the point Spike?  Huh?  What am I supposed to do?  I have no one, nothing.  I don't belong anywhere.  So is that enough to be upset over?" 

Spike slowly stood up during my rant and moved towards me, his hands stretched out placatingly. 

"Don't be that way pet, I was wrong all those months ago.  I need you." 

My jaw dropped in disbelief, and then tightened in anger.  I think I caught us both by surprise when I caught him in the jaw with a swift right-hook.  A very upset looking Vampire stared up at me from the floor. 

"Pet, come on now," 

"NO!  No Spike, just shut up, you don't get to say things like that.  You left.  You left just like everyone else did." 

He got up off the floor, gingerly rubbing his jaw, "Whelp, please, listen." 

"Forget it." 

I turned away from him but suddenly found myself swung back around, arms clamped painfully tight.  He lifted me off up the floor, holding our faces close and glared at me.  "Now you listen to me Xander." 

Spikes use of my name quieted me.  He never used it.  I listened. 

Spikes voice was quiet, and his hands gripped me in a manner that said I had better not move. 

"I'm sorry those others left.  Their loss, the tossers didn't deserve you.  I'm sorry that your so-called friends don't appreciate you.  That's their mistake.  Please believe me when I say that I didn't want to leave.  I had to." 

I stared into those ice blue eyes, seeing the sorrow and pain teeming within their depths.  The question left my lips before I could stop it. 

"But why, why did you have to leave?" 

I hated the weakness in my voice, but I couldn't stop it.  I had to know.

He gently set me down, but kept a firm grip on my arms.  His blue eyes bored into mine. 

"I left because I love you.  I love you and I don't deserve you."

I felt as if  all the wind had been knocked out of me.  I gaped at him, but saw nothing but seriousness in his blue eyes. 

"Let me get this straight.  You love me.  You love me so you left me?  Without saying a word?  I'm sorry Spike, but in normal, human relationships, when you love someone you stay with them.  I mean, come on, you didn't even leave a note." 

I realized I was starting to sound hysterical, but I didn't care.  This was absurd. 

Spike grimaced, but didn't look away from my searching gaze. 

"I'm sorry pet, I really am.  But I didn't leave a note because I couldn't risk getting your hopes up if I failed."

I was definitely getting hysterical now,

"If you failed, Spike!  What in the hell are you talking about?" 

Spike pulled me close, resting his forehead against mine. 

"My soul pet.  If I failed to get my soul back." 

I froze in his grip, glad suddenly for his hands holding me in place.  If I had been standing on my own I'm sure I would have fallen over. 

"Y..you..your soul?" 

The last bit came out as a squeak.

Spike released me, stepping back and looking me squarely in the eyes. 

"I had to be sure.  Had to be sure that what I was feeling was real.  That you would want to be with me.  I had to make sure that I was worthy of being with you." 

My world was swirling around me.  I was unsure of how I was even able to stand.  Spike stood in front of me, trying to look calm, but I could see the tension thrumming through him, see the fear in his eyes.  Fear that I would reject him.  That thought calmed me some, I took a step forward, then another, until I stood facing him, the length of my body pressed against his.  I felt a shudder run through him.  Slowly I brought a hand up to cup his cheek. 

"I love you." 

I looked deep into his eyes, hoping he could see the sincerity in them. 

"I love you.  You didn't have to prove anything to me." 

A small knot of uncertainty still resided within me though, and I had to ask. 

"You'd really give it up, being evil undead guy?  You really took your soul back, and all that that implies, to be with me?" 

Spike's hand stole up to cup my face, making sure I could see deep into his eyes,

"In a second pet.  I have already.  I just want to be with you.  To be worthy of you." 

Tears blurred my eyes, but I didn't need to see as I leaned in to capture Spike's lips with my own, I knew the way already.  The kiss was soft at first, relearning each other's taste.  But it quickly became more desperate as our bodies responded to a need that had been too long denied.  I pushed the duster off his shoulders and he shrugged out of it.  Cool hands quickly made their way under my shirt and pushed it off, tossing it to the floor.  I returned the favor with Spike's shirt, all the while trying to keep my lips attached to his.  His mouth felt like I remembered it, cool and wet.  Spikes taste filled my mouth, driving my hands down to his fly, desperate for more.  Spike walked us backwards towards the bed, running his hands up and down my chest and back.  When my legs hit the edge he pushed me, sprawling me across the bed.  Swiftly he knelt and removed my shoes and socks, then slid his hands up my legs and removed my pants.  I lay there gasping and panting, naked and aching but unable to move as I watched him disrobe. 

Finally he was naked and crawling onto the bed to lie on his side, staring down at me.  For a minute I couldn't think, caught up in the play of the angles and ridges of his body.  Then he was kissing me, and my body sprang back into action, wrapping myself around him, touching him everywhere, writhing in pleasure as his cool flesh drew some of the fever out of my overheated body.  His clever fingers found my erection and stroked, drawing a moan from deep in my throat.  I sucked on his tongue, needing to taste as much of him as I could, as my fingers found the sensitive spot on his lower back.  His gasp spurred me on and I set about trying all the things that I remembered drove him wild.  Soon all pretenses of foreplay were forgotten and we were thrusting against each other in abandon, moans and gasps filing the room. 

Spike suddenly pulled away, staring at me with half wild eyes,

"Luv, luv please, wait," 

"What?" I managed to gasp out between attempts to pull him back to me. 

One strong hand slid round to grasp my ass firmly,

"Please, can I?  I..I need to be inside you."

I whimpered softly and thrust up towards him. 

"Yes.  Oh god, Yes, Please." 

That seemed to be all the encouragement Spike needed.  He pulled away long enough to fumble in his pockets, producing a tube of lube.  The sight made me moan and I eagerly spread my legs, needing this as much as he did.  Slippery fingers fumbled for moment as desperate lips found mine and locked on.  I hissed as his cool fingers breached my opening, then moaned as they found their way inside.  I thrust eagerly against them, crying out as they found and manipulated my prostate.  The hollow feeling I had been feeling since I had awoken alone two months previous was beginning to fade, but it wasn't gone, not yet.  I needed more. 

"Spike!  Please!" 

My pleas caused his eyes to dilate with passion and he captured my mouth in a fierce kiss as he positioned  himself.  He slowly sank into me, an inch at a time, and I squirmed beneath him, desperately trying to  urge him to go faster.  Finally he was in, and I cried out brokenly, wanting him to move but also afraid for the moment to end.  Spike seemed to sense my warring feelings, he brought his mouth close to my ear and whispered soothingly. 

"It's okay love, I'm here.  I'm not gonna leave again." 

Then slowly, gently he began to move.  It was as good as I remembered it, better even.  The feeling of being completely filled and stretched.  Of being consumed by Spike, holding him inside me and being held by him.  We found a rhythm together and moved as one, hands and lips touching everywhere as he slid in and out of my body.  Soon though the slow rhythm wasn't enough and I moaned brokenly into his mouth,

"Spike, faster, please."

  He sped up, thrusting harder and deeper, and I eagerly raised my hips to meet each thrust.  I felt the pressure building, the friction of my cock traped between our stomachs helping me along.  Suddenly the pressure broke and  I came screaming his name, digging my fingers into his shoulders as I bucked and shuddered with the force of the orgasm. 

Spike continued thrusting through my release, his pace  becoming fast and ragged until finally he cried out, shuddering above me, and I felt his cool seed filling me.  We collapsed onto the bed, sweat covered and panting, remaining wrapped around each other for as long as we could.  Eventually Spike shifted off me with a groan and turned me on my side, spooning up behind me. 

"Sleep luv."  He whispered in my ear, cool fingers brushing through my hair. 

I laughed, sounding more bitter than I wanted to. 

"Sorry if I seem reluctant, but the last time this happened I woke up alone.  I really don't want to repeat that experience."

Spike had the decency to sound chagrinned.  "It won't happen this time luv, I promise, I'm here to stay."

Sufficiently mollified, I snuggled into his arms and let myself drift off to sleep.

When I woke he was there, not having moved from my side.  I smiled sleepily up into his face, staring solemnly down at me. 

"Didn't you sleep at all?"

He looked embarrassed, "Not really."

"Did you just lay there awake all night?"

He blushed, Spike actually blushed.  "I watched you sleep."

I smiled hugely and pulled him down for a kiss.  "I love you."  I whispered against his lips. 

I felt him smile, "I love you too, whelp." 

I let myself just bask in the expression on his face and the way those words made me feel.  All too soon though, reality set in and I began to worry.  What was I going to tell the gang?  What were Spike and I going to do?  Could this really work between us?  Especially with all the memories this town contained, not to mention the frequent apocalypses. 

He must have noticed a frown cross my face, because suddenly he grew serious again.  "What?  What is it pet?" 

I sighed.  "Spike, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think I can do this."  At his harsh hiss I quickly continued.  "Not us, I can definitely do us, it's the rest of it I don't want to deal with.  Our friends,"  This earned me an indignant snort and I quickly amended that statement, "Okay, my friends, this town, the constant danger and overrunning of demons." 

Spike considered what I'd said. "Pet, you aren't looking for white picket fences and two point five kids are you?" 
I had to laugh at that.  "No.  No kids, and definitely no bits of pointy wood anywhere near you."  I kissed him on the nose. "But I want a somewhat normal life.  I want a place of our own and a job I can keep for longer than a month.  I want to live in a town where the neighbors aren't constantly planning to take over the world.  I want to be with you and not worried that one of us will be killed the next time we walk out the front door." 

Spike considered what I had said.  "Luv, I only have two needs.  To be with you and for you to be happy.  So whatever will make you happy makes me happy.  Besides, I haven't been too popular around this place as of late, and once it gets out that I got my soul back, half the demon population will be gunning for me.  If you want to leave good old Sunnyhell, far be it from me to stop you."  He kissed me gently, letting our lips ghost over each other, before leaning in and claiming my mouth with his tongue.  He leaned back and looked me in the eye. "We've got all day to pack, tonight we can swing by the Watcher's place and say goodbye, then head on out." 

I considered what he'd said, "Where will we go?"

"Wherever you want, luv."

For the first time since I could remember, I felt happy.  My body practically hummed with it.  Grateful for Spike's understanding, I leaned up and captured his mouth with mine.  "I love you."

His voice was hoarse with emotion as he kissed me back.  "Love you."

I settled back into his arms, enfolded in his love and contemplated the sudden turn my life had taken.  I was content with the knowledge that no matter what I chose, to go or to stay, we would be together.  And that was enough.

 

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